Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Couch. On fire.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
