I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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