her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize