Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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