Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
