I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
