I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
