Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
