You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
