guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
