She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
