I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
