Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
