they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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