Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You ate ashes out of my bong
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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