A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she told me i tasted like america
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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