I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
