Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
