hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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