You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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