Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
