Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
