Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
