If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
