There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
