Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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