Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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