Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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