He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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