I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
