whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
