I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
