I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
