Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
3 2 1 whiskey
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
