____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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