I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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