I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You can't special order awesome
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
