69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You are the jesus of drinking
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
