please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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