OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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