I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize