I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Come share oat with me in your robe
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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