everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize