When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
