oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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