I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
