i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
