i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
