Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
