peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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