my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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