1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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