It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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