he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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