I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
