I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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