Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
