I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
