well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
